Ad Guy - LAST WEEK ON IMPACT, SHARK BOYS’S BAD LUCK CONTINUED, A NEW REPLACEMENT WAS ANNOUNCED, AND A FEUD RAGES ON!
Borash - Guys, I didn’t know we were wearing tuxes tonight.
Angle - There is no we - there’s AJ and I, and then there’s you - the interviewer.
Angle - This is the Angle Alliance, EVERY NIGHT IS CHRISTMAS!
EY - CHRISTMAS? IS SANTA HERE!?
Angle - Yes Eric, he’s in the limo.
EY - REALLY!?
Angle - Yes (Angle shuts limo door on EY)
Tenay - TONIGHT WE SETTLE KURT ANGLE’S TNA TITLE SITUATION!
DW - AND FATHER JAMES MITCHELL REVEALS THE SECRET THAT ABYSS SAID HE WOULD TAKE TO HIS GRRAAAAVVVEEEEE!
Shelley - Last week, we were in the penthouse, and while TNA Impact was playing, we heard Team 3D issue a challenge to the Motor City Machismo Guns! If they win, the X division disbands. Here’s the way I see it - the Motor City Machine Guns are good enough to win the TNA World Tag titles, AND YOU BEAT KURT ANGLE FOR THE X DIVISION TITLE! However, if we win, we get to change Newton’s laws and institute a weight division - 275 pounds!
Ray - BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAAAHH! You guys are pretty damn funny tonight, we gotta get down to 275 - I ALREADY WEIGHT 275!
DW - Put the other foot on the scale.
Ray - Now Devon is a little over 300 - but he’s training for Mr. Olympia - HIS TRAPS ARE BIGGER THAN AWESOME KONG’S ASS! WE ARE IN THE BEST SHAPE OF OUR LIFE, WE ARE BUFF, CUT, RIPPED, CHISELED AND JACKED! My Brother Devon could be a male model on the cover of Jet Magazine he’s so damn good looking! So let me get this straight - when we beat you in the hardcore falls count ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD MATCH, the X division will go back right under the rock it came from. We got that right?
Lethal - YEAH, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, STEAMPUFF!
Tenay - LET ME SEE IF I’VE GOT THIS STRAIGHT - IF THE GUNS AND MACHISMO WIN, TEAM 3D HAS TO GET DOWN TO 275 WITH WEEKLY WEIGH-INS, BUT IF 3D WINS, THE X DIVISION HAS TO DISBAND!
DW - I don’t trust these guys as far as Tomko can throw ‘em!
Tenay - It seems to me that if Team 3D wins, the X DIVISION DISBANDS, but if they lose, they have to wrestle at 275 pounds! TO THE BACK WITH CRYSTAL AND ABYSS!
Crystal - Abyss, tonight, Father Mitchell said that he’s going to reveal YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET!
Abyss - THE SECRET EMERGES TONIGHT! OVER MY DEAD! BODY!!!! THE REVELATION WILL MARK THE END OF FATHER JAMES MITCHELL AND JUDAS MESIAS! YRRRRRAAARRRGGHHHHH!
DW - Recently, it seems like Shark Boy GETS A NEW BODY PART INJURED EACH WEEK! LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS!
(during SHARK BOY video package)DW - WHAT IS THE PURPOSE!? WHAT IS THE POINT!?
DW - NOW LET’S GO TO JB, AT SHARK BOY’S HOME!
JB - We’re here with Shark Boy’s family, his daughter, Ariel, and Dr. Fishman.
Dr. Fishman - I think that Shark Boy may have finally reached low tide (masked family breaks out in tears)
(EY’s music hits, but he’s locked in the limo)Dutt - Eric, you’re not locked in, just pull the knob, here I’M BLESSING YOU! HERE! COME OUT!
Tenay - Eric has the drinking championship of his drinking buddy, he lost the DCS, YES, THE DRINKING CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES, and at Against All Odds, he’ll wrestle James Storm. Not only that, BUT THE X DIVISION IS AT STAKE!
DW - TOMKO IS TRYING TO TURN ERIC YOUNG INTO LINDA BLAIR!
Tenay - I THINK HE’S TRYING TO EXCORCISE THE DEMONS OF ERIC YOUNG!
Tenay - HERE COMES JAMES STORM, HE HIT’S THE EYE OF THE STORM ON ERIC YOUNG, AND HE TAKES HIS DRINKING BELT! It’ll be on the line at Against All Odds! (Tomko kicks Storm’s ass and gives EY his drinking belt and beer) LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH CRYSTAL AND CHRISTIAN CAGE!
Cage - There used to be a time when I’d have to think for Tomko, but now he’s on his own, and he didn’t stab me in the back LIKE AJ STYLES! AJ’s trying to protect me from Kurt, but I wish he’d protect me from his wife Karen, because every time she opens her mouth, you can SMELL HALF OF PITTSBURGH!
Tenay - OUR BROADCAST PARTNER CRYSTAL WAS ASKED TO TAKE DUSTIN RHODES TO THE WORKSHOP OF DUSTIN’S SPLIT PERSONALITY, BLACK REIGN! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
Dustin - WHAT’S HJAPPENING TO ME! AAAHHH AAAHHHHHHH!
Tenay - OH I HAD A FEELING THAT WASN’T GOING TO GO WELL!
Tenay - You know, with ODB’s popularity rising, I get asked all the time “DOES ODB REALLY MEAN WHAT I THINK IT DOES?”
DW - AND I ASKED HER POINT BLANK, AND SHE TOLD ME IT STANDS FOR ONE DIRTY BITCH!
Tenay - If I can steal a line from David Sahadi, the TNA knockout division is an eclectic mix of beauty and brawn!
DW - That almost describes ODB PERFECTLY!
Tenay - There is no pretensce with ODB - you get exactly what you see!
DW - OH YES YOU DO!
ODB - AWESOME KONG, I’M TALKING TO YOU! YOU BEATEN EVERY BROAD HERE IN TNA… BUT YOU HAVEN’T BEATEN ONE, YOU HAVEN’T BEATEN THE ODB! OHHH!
Crowd - ODB! ODB!
ODB - So, I have a great idea, why don’t me and you hook it up at Against All Odds for the TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE! AAAHHH! Kong, I love to fight, and sometimes, jus sometimes, I like to get whooped, but you ain’t gonna be whoopin’ me, and you know what, ODB ISN’T JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE!
Tenay - ATTENTION MARKETING - THERE’S YOUR T-SHIRT! NOW LET’S GO TO CRYSTAL, SHE IS PACING OUTSIE THE LOCKER ROOM OF KEVIN NASH!
Nash - Everyone knows that talk is cheap. You’re big, you’re over, and tonight, you have a chance to get a title shot. You get the title, you get the girls, you get the money. Do it, big man.
Tenay - Let’s return to the DEEP BLUE SEA and get an update on the condition of Shark Boy.
JB - Well, things have taken a turn for the worse…
Harris - JB, shut up, this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so desperate for TV time that I’M HANGING OUT WITH SHARKS!
Cide - YO YO YO, WE DOWN WITH SHARKY AND HIS FAMILY!
Family - HEEEE’SSS DDDYYINNGGG!
Harris - The only thing dying here is my career!
Tenay - At Final Resolution, Kaz took Black Reign’s arctic fox.
Tenay - Earlier, we saw Crystal take Dustin Rhodes to Black Reign’s workshop and he was completely oblivious. Dustin Rhodes doesn’t know he’s got a job around here.
DW - He does when he’s around Black Reign. …Black Reign’s workshop.
Tenay - HERE COMES DUSTIN RHODES AS BLACK REIGN!
DW - He’s got his little Arctic fox! THE RAT ISN’T IN THERE!
DW - HE JUST CRUSHED KAZ WITH THE CAGE!
Tenay - HE HIT KAZ WITH THE CAGE!
DW - HE MISSES HIS ARTIC FOX!
JB - Father Mitchell, a week ago, you promised to reveal the secret of Abyss.
Mitchell - JB, fans are used to bait and switches in wrestling, well, not tonight. In just a little while, I’m going to reveal the secret that’s been hidden for 20 years. It will be revealed to the entire world, Chris, and it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
Tenay -UP NEXT, ABYSS IN ACTION, ON THE NIGHT THE SECRET IS REVEALED!
(next)Tenay - AJ STYLES HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN A TITLE SHOT OR GIVING KURT ANGLE TWO MONTHS OFF, LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH JB AND FIND OUT!
AJ - Tomko, good buddy, GOOD FRIEND, what should I do?
Tomko - AJ, it’s time for AJ to do what AJ wants to do - you won the world title without Kurt Angle, and you won one half of the tag titles without him. Do what you want to do - it’s just that simple. (Hoyt comes out, points to his crotch, and humps the camera during his entrance)
DW - We’re all intrigued about the secret - JAMES MITCHELL SAID THIS WOULDN’T BE A BAIT AND SWITCH! WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT THE SECRET TONIGHT!
Tenay - THAT’S NOT ALL - TONIGHT, WE’LL FIND OUT THAT THE WINNER OF THE TAG TITLE SHOT FEAST OR FIRED BRIEFCASE, BG JAMES, WILL CHOOSE HIS NEW TAG TEAMMATE!
Mitchell - CHRIS, TIME HAS RUN OUT, ARE YOU READY TO TELL EVERYONE THE TRUTH? ARE YOU READY TO REVEAL THE SECRET ONCE AND FOR ALL? (Abyss shakes head no) FINE! CAMERA MAN, COME WITH ME!
DW - IS HOYT GONNA DO THAT BACKWARDS MOONSAULT HE DOES SO WELL!? YES! OH, HE MISSED! BLACK HOLE SLAM!
Mitchell - Chris, it’s time for your secret to come out, and don’t bother trying to find me because you won’t be able to find me. Mike Tenay’s been asking me why I’m so obsessed with you, and it’s not something I could reveal so quickly. Of course, your mother, THE WHORE, BELIEVE ME, THE WHORE, let you do anything you wanted, while the man of the house had to discipline you with an electrical cord, and I had to put her in line! EXCUSE ME FOR NOT HAVING ANY COMPASSION FOR YOU ABYSS, BECAUSE YOU BETRAYED ME WHEN THAT COLD-HEARTED BITCH SENT THREE BULLETS THROUGH MY BACK! NO MATTER IF YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME TO YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME OF PARKS, YOUR LAST NAME IS MITCHELL! I AM YOUR FATHER! NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR GENES OFF OF YOU! NOW, THE TRUTH IS OUT! EVERY TIME YOU CALL ME NAMES! EVERY TIME YOU DO THAT, YOU SHOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE YOURSELF! THE DEED IS DONE! LIVE WITH IT!
DW - WOW!
Tenay - You know what, Don? THE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE HAVE FINALLY COME TOGETHER
!
Tenay - FOR MONTHS, WE’VE QUESTIONS FATHER JAMES MITCHELL’S OBSESSION, WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHY! LET’S GO TO CRYSTAL WITH ABYSS’S REACTION! (Crystal follows him, Abyss yells, then leaves)
Tenay - Robert Roode hired his stalker as Ms. Brooks’ replacement.
DW - If you think about it, he hired her for persistence!
(Val rejects a kiss, Dutt gooses her)Tenay - Sonjay trying to get a little kiss from Val…
DW - But Dutt, Dutt… got a little butt!
Tenay - I couldn’t have put it better myself!
Tenay - You know, I’ve gotta agree with Jim Cornette - DON’T FIRE OR SUSPEND ROODE, LET BOOKER T DEAL WITH HIM!
DW - YES, BOOKER’S GONNA KILL HIM! FLAT-OUT KILL HIM!
DW - Earlier, Earl Hebner tried to get Ms. Brooks out of the ring, but he had no luck - SHE’S STILL AT RINGSIDE!
Tenay - TO THE BACK WITH JB AND AJ STYLES!
AJ - I’ve been thinking about it, and I could take the shot, or give Angle the month off…
Karen - AJ’s been thinking LONG AND HARD about it, and he’s gonna do what’s right…(camera cuts immediately to the back where BG, Kip, and Crystal are without any warning)
BG - My partner’s on his way…
Kip - GOOD, I hope he’s a better man than me, because YOU’RE BOTH GONNA GET YOUR ASSES KICKED!
(to voodoo queen)BG - COME ON, LET’S GO!
Tenay - In this dire time, we’re back TO THE SHARK TANK! Beats having Chris Harris as a guest. I understand THE KNOCKOUTS ARE HERE!
Velvet - Look. Around. The. Gills. He’s. Green. Around. The. Gills.
Love - There’s only one way to help him. Mouth. To mouth.(camera cuts to the ring with Kip and BG)
Kip - Okay, let’s get this going, because TWO PEOLE ARE GONNA GET THEIR ASSES KICKED! But first, let’s recap - at Feast or Fired, I HANDED YOU A TAG TITLE SHOT, and we’ve been partners for 10 years…
BG - You know, at the risk of sounding fruity, I’m gonna say that I gave you ten years of my life. You’re gonna shut the hell up for five minutes, and I’ve been BLEESED BY GOD TO HAVE MY DREAMS COME TRUE! I dreamed of becoming a wrestler, and I DID, I DREAMED OF BEING ON TOP OF THE WRESTLING WORLD, AND YOU AND ME WERE, AND I ALWAYS HAD A HERO, WHO WAS A WRESTLER HIS WHOLE ADULT LIFE JUST TO FEED HIS DAMN FAMILY, AND I HAVE A DREAM TO STAND SIDE-BY-SIDE WITH THE TOUGHEST SON OF A BITCH I’VE EVER KNOWN. HE GAVE ME EVERYTHING I GOT, AND IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU MY PARTNER, MY HERO, MY FATHER! BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG!
Tenay - You know, in normal circumstances, I’d question him picking a 67 year old man as his partner, but THIS IS BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG! HE’S THE REAL DEAL! Kip has no problem with it, he’s always considered himself part of the family, to the point of taking the last name “James”. (everyone hugs)
DW - We’ve gotten to know Bullet Bob over the years, from the beginning of TNA, and even at 67 years old, he’s one of the toughest men alive!
Tenay - WE’RE HEADED BACK TO THE SHARK TANK ONE LAST TIME!
DW - HE’S FIGHTING THE CURRENT ALL THE TIME!
JB - Nurse Babs is still here, things don’t look good.
EY - Sharky, YOU GOTTA FIGHT! FOR SPONGEBOB! WELL, HE’S NOT A FISH, BUT HE LIVES UNDER THE SEA! WHAT ABOUT JAWS!? MAYBE HE NEEDS SOME WATER! GUYS, HIS EYES ARE OPENING!? SHARKY!? IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY!?
Shark Boy - YES, THE NEXT TIME YOU STICK THAT THERMOTER UP MY ASS, I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!
Tenay - From the Shark Tank to the Gold Medalist - next week, we’ll have exclusive footage of Brock Lesnar’s training for his UFC debut, and Kurt Angle talks about getting into MMA!
Angle - Two great things are gonna happen tonight. One, my prodigy, AJ Styles, will win the triple threat and give me two months off until Lockdown, and the other great thing is that they’re gonna air GLOBAL IMPACT after Impact, where all of you are gonna get the opportunity to see Kurt Angle defend his OTHER WORLD TITLE against Yuji Nagata in one of his greatest matches ever. IT’S REAL! IT’S DAMN REAL! THANK YOU!
Tenay - THE STAGE HAS BEEN SET FOR OUR MAIN EVENT! BUT FIRST, LET’S GO TO CRYSTAL WITH JIM CORNETTE!
Cornette - Scott, you’ve got it all wrong about the X division, it’s about a mindset, and showing that you’ve got THE PASSION!
Steiner - There’s nothing about being 4 feet tall, being 125 pounds, and being the size of an oomph loopah?
Cornette - NO, IT’S ABOUT BEING THE BEST!
Steiner - BEING THE BEST!? I’M THE BEST!
Cornette - THERE YA GO, SCOTTY!
Tenay - I THINK WE’RE WATCHING SAMOA JOE MATURE RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!
DW - Cage and Joe are measuring each other - they know how important it is!
DW - CAGE JUST CREAMED AJ STYLES! WE’VE GOTTA SEE THAT AGAIN!
DW - SAMOA JOE WITH A SUICIDE DIVE! WE’VE GOTTA SEE THAT AGAIN!
Tenay - WE’LL BE BACK WITH MORE OF THIS MATCH!
Tenay - IT’S THREE HOURS OF TNA TONIGHT ON SPIKE TV! AFTER THIS SHOW, IT’S GLOBAL IMPACT FROM THE TOKYO DOME IN TOKYO, JAPAN!
DW - THE REFEREE SAW JOE THROW THE CHAIR OUT, AND I THINK HE’S JUST DISQUALIFIED JOE!
Tenay - STAY TUNED, BECAUSE AFTER THIS SHOW, YOU’LL SEE TNA STARS AS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN THE TOKYO DOME!
DW - Just an indication of how quickly TNA is rising throughout the world
DW - OH, HE HIT’S THE PELE! THE BACKWARDS KICK!
Tenay - LET’S SEE IF THE PRINCE OF PHENOMENAL CAN FOLLOW UP!
Tenay - THE TOP-ROPE SPIRAL TAP MISSES, LOOK AT HOW CHRISTLY QUISTIAN GOES UP TOP FOR THE FROG SPLASH!