Ad Guy - TNA - WE ARE WRESTLING!
Ad Guy - WILL YOU LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS!?
Karen - JB, this is a big day - do you realize that Kurt has never done anything romantic in our entire lives?
EY - JB, I’ve got a problem - I’m afraid of monsters.
Lil’ Angle - There’s no such thing as monsters.
Karen - That’s right, and JB is busy being my maid of honor, so you’re going to have to run along and figure out things for yourself.
DW - It’s Valentine’s Day and what’s more appropriate than a wedding!? Tonight, THE ANGLES RENEW THEIR VOWS INSIDE THE SIX-SIDED RING!
Cornette - Tonight, we’re going to sign Samoa Joe to the most lucrative deal in TNA history. Nothing can go wrong tonight! Matt Morgan has been instructed to stay out of the Impact Zone and there’s no table!
Tenay - Tonight, WE FINALLY GET TO SEE JOE SIGN HIS RENEGOTIATION CONTRACT!
Cornette - Joe, you deserve the adulation of the crowd. If you don’t sign it, I’ll be cleaning out the catbox, and I’ll be honored if you’ll use my back as a desk. I wouldn’t turn my back on you if I didn’t trust you (Christian’s theme hits) OH WHAT THE HELL NOW!?
Cage - Hold on, before you put pen to paper, there’s something that I need to discuss with Samoa Joe. Now everybody knows Joe you were the special enforcer referee for my match, and as the special enforcer referee, your job requires you to secure a fair rfight. Now I understand that you stopped AJ Styles from interfering, and I get that, but you also have to realize that you left the backdoor open and let Tomko make the biggest mistake of his pathetic existence by costing me the world heavyweight championship! Now Joe, I’m not coming out here to blame you (fans boo), hold on a second, I’m not saying what you did was intentional, all I’m asking is for you to help me make it right. Now I know we aren’t friends, and we may never be friends, but I’m asking you to be my partner tonight! Against AJ Styles and Tomko. I don’t just want you to be my partner, I want you to help me take them out!
Joe - Christian, I’ve been in your position, but your title chase is over. Because according to that man right there, the next title shot goes to this man in front of you (fans chant Joe)
Tenay - THAT’S PART OF THE DEAL HE MADE WITH JIM CORNETTE!
Joe - Maybe you’re right, maybe I didn’t do the best job in the world last night, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a fight in the Impact Zone, and they say the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and tonight my friend, I’ll take them on with you.
Cornette - JOE, JOE, WAIT A MINUTE! Now that you’ve taken care of your personal business, but now you have to take care of TNA business, which is more important.
Joe - Are you trying to tell me that TNA business is more important than my personal business? That saving your job and keeping you in a cheap tie is more important?
Cornette - No, I’m just trying to say…
Joe - Jimmy, when I take care of my personal business, maybe, just maybe, I’ll take care of your TNA business.
Tenay - LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH CRYSTAL AND TOMKO!
Crystal - Tomko, why did you screw over your friend, Christian Cage, at Against All Odds?
Tomko - IS THAT HOW YOU SEE IT, THAT’S NOW HOW I SEE IT? THAT’S NOT HOW I SEE IT, I’VE BEEN HAVING CHRISTIAN HAVE ME LIKE A MONKEY, BUT I DIDN’T NEED HIM TO BE A STAR, I’M A STAR ON MY OWN! FINALLY AND FOREVER, ME AND CHRISTIAN CAGE ARE OVER!
Crystal - Where do you stand with the Angle Alliance?
Tomko - I’ll get to that later when I have a little discussion with Mr. Angle.
Crystal - AJ, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Christian Cage picked Samoa Joe as his partner.
AJ - So what? As if this isn’t the worst night of my life, with Kurt and Karen renewing their vows…
Kurt - WHAT? You’re my best man. Now wear the suit. (he leaves)
AJ - HE’S WITH MY WOMAN! I’M NOT WEARING THE SUIT!
Tenay - IT’S THE KING OF SPICE, CURRY MAN!
Tenay - WHAT’S EARL HEBNER HAVE IN HIS HANDS?
DW - WHY, IT’S A SCALE! OF COURSE!
Earl - Bubba, Devon, to wrestle in this match tonight, you have to weight less than 275, here’s the scales - we’ll see what’s going on.
DW - I’m no expert, but just by eyeballing this thing, I don’t see how they stand a chance.
Tenay - Any estimates?
DW - I’d say that Devon could come in at under 300.
Tenay - UNDER 300!? IT HAS TO BE 275 POUNDS!
(Devon passes)Tenay - Okay, one’s down. But he didn’t say how much under he was.
DW - I’D LOVE TO HEAR EXACT NUMBERS!
(Ray gets on the scale)DW - I DON’T THINK HEBNER’S EVER SEEN NUMBERS THIS HIGH!
Tenay - Oh, he’s taking off the flannel shirt. Yeah, that’ll help.
DW - Please don’t take anything else off.
Tenay - This is embarrassing.
Earl - Bubba, please don’t take anything else off - you’re way, way over. This match’ll have to be a handicap match.
Fans - JEN-NY CRAIG! JEN-NY CRAIG!
Tenay - Boy Against All Odds was great, even the Robert Roode versus Booker T match, BUT NOTHING GOT SETTLED THERE, DID IT!?
Tenay - DIRECT TO THE ORIENT…FROM THE ORIENT TO TNA, CURRY MAN!
DW - BROTHER RAY JUST HIT HIM WITH THE SCALE!
Tenay - CERTAINLY NOT THE SCALES OF JUSTICE! LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH CRYSTAL AND BOOKER T!
Booker - I’m not worrying about the damn show, I’m worrying about when Robert Roode comes here, I’m gonna snap his neck.
Rellik - Eric Young, I’m going to stick a drill into your head and suck your brain out with a straw, then I’m going to pull your eyes out, put them in a martini and drink it after stirring it with the finger that I’m going to cut off!
Tenay - BOY, JUDGING BY THE WORDS OF RELLIK, THE WORST FEARS OF ERIC YOUNG HAVE COME TRUE!
Penzer - From Detroit, Michigan, accompanied to the ring BY HIS LATEST FREAK, “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner!
Tenay - At Against All Odds, this man who overcame the PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGE, AND I MEAN THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SCARS, BY BEATING JUDAS MESIAS IN BARB WIRE MASSACRE! IN MY MIND, HE REACHED THE PINNACLE OF HIS CAREER BY WINNING BARB WIRE MASSACRE!
Tenay - Scott Steiner earned his legacy by winning titles, and there are men who make their legacies by being able to take more pain than anyone else, and on top of the list, which included Terry Funk, Cactus Jack, the Sheik, and Bruiser Brody, I’d add Abyss.
DW - WAIT, ABYSS IS WALKING BACK UP THE RAMP!
Tenay - THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST BIZARRE MOMENTS WE’VE EVER HADN ON IMPACT!
DW - HE JUST TOOK OFF HIS MASK! (fans boo)
Steiner - I DIDN’T COME HERE JUST TO LOOK GOOD, I CAME HERE TO KICK SOMEBODY’S ASS! I WON AT AGAINST ALL ODDS, WHICH MEANS I CAN COMMAND AND DEMAND AN X DEVISING TITLE SHOT AND I CAN DEMAND AND COMMAND A WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH, WHICH MEANS WE’RE GONNA DO THINGS THE WAY BIG POPPA PUMP DOES THEM! I BROUGHT WITH ME MY FAVORITE FREAK, RACHA KAHN, YOU MESS WITH ME, YOU GOTTA GET THROUGH HER! NOBODY TOUCHES MY FREAKS! ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GET THEIR ASSES KICKED, COME OUT NOW!
Petey - Hey Scotty, Big Poppa Pump, you might’ve had Cloverfield there distract me, but you’ve screwed me for the last time, and you might think I’m Little Petey Punp to your Big Poppa Pump, but I’M THE DEFINITION OF DEFINITION, MAPLE LEAF MUSCLE, AND TONIGHT, YOU’RE GONNA BE THE LOSER AND I’M GONNA BE THE WINNER!
Tenay - This is a rematch from Against All Odds, and tonight, WE HAVE ANOTHER REMATCH AS ODB AGAINST AWESOME KONG, AND THE ANGLES RENEW THEIR WEDDING VOWS ON A VERY SPECIAL TNA IMPACT!
DW - SCOTT STEINER JUST PULLED PETEY UP AND PATTED HIM ON THE SHOULDER!
Tenay - DO YOU THINK THAT’S MUTUAL RESPECT!? LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH CRYSTAL AND TOMKO!
Tomko - I’ll join the Angle Alliance as long as it’s understood that I’m not your bitch.
Angle - NO BITCHIN’!
Tomko - I’ll join if Tomko can do what Tomko wants to do.
Angle - Okay. Are you coming to my wedding?
Tomko - No.
Angle - That’s okay!
Tenay - WAIT A MINUTE, I’M GETTING WORD THAT CHRISTIAN CAGE HAS BEEN LAID OUT IN THE BACK! YES, THERE YOU SEE IT (he points to monitor, screen goes black, then goes to video of Cage laid out)
EY - JB, did you hear what Rellik said about me? He said he’s gonna eat my brains and then drink a martini, which I like shaken and not stirred with my eyes, what am I gonna do!?
Karen - WHAT YOU’RE GONNA DO!? YOU’RE GONNA STOP ANNOYING MY MAID OF HONOR! EATING YOUR BRAINS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I’M GONNA DO TO YOU!
Penzer - This is a non-title tag team revenge match!
Tenay - Kevin Nash says that he doesn’t fight for free, but he’s fighting for more than money tonight!
Tenay - Christian Cage being laid out in the back, you know, I’m putting two and two together, and I think AJ HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!
DW - You know, it hindsight, he looked a little too jovial when he came out!
(during a series of punches)Crowd - LET’S GO JOE! LET’S GO AJ! LET’S GO JOE! LET’S GO AJ!
Tenay - DIDJA HEAR THAT!? JOE PUT ON THE BRAKES!
DW - DIDJA SEE THAT?! JOE’S TIRED!
Joe - ANGLE, BEFORE I GET MY SHOT, I’VE REALIZED THAT I’VE GOTTA TAKE OUT THE ANGLE ALLIANCE! AND I’M GONNA GO TO WAR WITH THE MOST UNLIKELY OF ARMIES! BIG KEV WILL BE THERE AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE CHRISTIAN WILL BE TOO!
Tenay - RELLIK RETURNS TO THURSDAY NIGHT IMPACT!
Tenay - Tonight, WE’VE GOT THE STARS OF NASCAR! OUR BUDDY, HERMIE SADLER WILL BE HERE!
DW - Boy, a special night like tonight, with the renewal of the wedding vows, brings out the stars!
Tenay - Rellik, THAT SPELLS KILLER BACKWARDS!
DW - Rellik’s putting on the other mask over the other mask, AND ERIC WASN’T EXPECTING THAT!
Tenay - HE JUMPS RIGHT BACK!
Tenay - RELLIK WINS WITH THE SICKLE, NOW LET’S GO TO OUR BUDDY HERMIE SADLER!
Sadler - How would you compare wrestling and NASCAR as… sports?
Sabin - Well, especially with the Machine Guns, it’s all about speed.
(to LAX)Shelley - Where are your green cards?
Salinas - HEY!
Shelley - Okay. Both are very dangerous. One small move can cost you a match, a race, or break your neck.
(to LAX)Sadler - And what do you think about how wrestling and NASCAR correlate?
Cide - NASCAR? The only cars I like are my stripper wheels that I take to my buddy’s chop shop…
Rave - WE LOVE YOU PENSACOLA!
Hoyt - ALL I WANNA KNOW IS WHO’S PLAYING WITH MY WHAMMY BAR TONIGHT!? YEAH YEAH YEAH!
Tenay - BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY, THEY RANG THE BELL, JIMMY!
Jimmy Spencer - THIS ISN’T NASCAR!
Rhino - LAST SUNDAY, I CAME OUT HERE AND SAID THAT I HAD SOMETHING TO SAY! WELL I HAVE A LOT TO SAY, BUT I HAVE ONE PERSON TO SAY IT TO, AND THAT’S YOU JAMES STORM! I’M NOT GONNA COME OUT HERE AND PISS AND MOAN ABOUT HOW YOU REINTRODUCED ALCOHOL INTO MY LIFE, I’M GONNA COME OUT HERE AS A MAN AND SAY THAT I ALLOWED YOU TO DO IT AND THAT I SCREWED UP! I SCREWED UP MY FAMILY AND MY FANS! I’VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU, ARE YOU A MAN!? DO YOU HAVE BALLS!?
Fans - RHINO! RHINO!
Rhino - IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK, AND I’M BACK TO KICK SOME ASS! IF YOU’RE A MAN AND YOU HAVE BALLS, YOU WILL COME OUT AT DESTINATION X AND FACE ME TOE-TO-TOE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT STORM, LET’S NOT DO IT IN THE RING, LET’S NOT DO IT IN THE RING, LET’S DO IT IN THE MOST DANGEROUS MATCH IN WRESTLING! 15 FEET ABOVE THE RING, IN AN ELEVATION X MATCH!
DW - YEAH!
Rhino - I’M STANDING ON MY OWN TWO FEET, AND 15 FEET ABOVE THE RING, YOU WILL NOT BE STANDING ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET WHEN YOU LAND, BECAUSE I WILL CUT YOU IN HALF WITH A GORE GORE GORE!
Tenay - CHALLENGE THROWN OUT TO JAMES STORM AT DESTINATION X, LET’S LOOK AT AWESOME KONG!
ODB - KONG, YOU BEAT ME AT AGAINST ALL ODDS, SO WHAT? IT ISN’T THE FIRST FIGHT I LOST AND IT WON’T BE THE LAST! WE FIGHT FIVE TIMES, I WIN THREE! IT ISN’T ABOUT THE KNOCKOUTS TITLE, I’M GONNA KICK YOUR BUFFALO BOOTY AROUND THE RING!
(Kong puts ODB against the wall, prepares a running attack)Tenay - WE’VE GOTTA GO TO A COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Tenay - Don, let’s get everyone caught up to speed!
DW - AWESOME KONG CAME RUNNING AT ODB AGAINST THE WALL LIKE A TRAIN, THEN ODB SPIT SOME KIND OF SODA INTO HER FACE AND THAT JUST SET AWESOME KONG OFF!
Banks - Booker, I just want to say that I’m sorry for what happened on Sunday, and that I just got a call from Robert saying that he won’t be here tonight.
Booker - WELL, YOU CALL HIM BACK AND YOU TELL ROBERT THAT IF HE ISN’T HERE NEXT WEEK, I’M GONNA SEARCH THE WHOLE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN FOR HIS PUNK ASS, AND I WON’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS!
Cornette - Booker, I know how you feel, but you can’t be hanging around here like a stalker or serial killer. It seems to me like you don’t have enough to do here, so next week, you’re going to face Kurt Angle.
DW - It’s no surprise that AJ Styles isn’t happy about this. Look at him, it looks like someone stole his puppy.
Priest - And now the bride, with her maid of honor, Jeremy Borash
Tenay - Yes, the maid of honor, Jeremy Borash.
DW - Why wouldn’t he be? He couldn’t be more proud - he was the brainchild of this whole thing. This is what Valentine’s Day is all about.
Fans - ANGLE SUCKS! ANGLE SUCKS!
Priest - THIS IS A WEDDING!
Priest - Kurt Steven Angle, do you take this woman…
Angle - 12 time champion…
Priest - Oh, I didn’t know that. Kurt Steven Angle, 12-time world champion, Olympic champion, do you take Karen to be your bride until death do you part?
Priest - Karen, do you take Kurt Steve Angle, 12-time world champion, Olympic gold medal winner, to be your husband?
Kurt - She says yes.
Priest - If any man has a reason to not want these two to be married, please say your peace or forever hold your peace.
Joe - PREACHER MAN, I OBJECT! Kurt, I’ll be real honest, we were just gonna wait for you to come to the parking lot and beat you with a baseball bat, we didn’t want to see you make a fool of yourself and agree to marry this dime store snank.
Tenay - YUP, SOUNDS LIKE A WEDDING ON TNA IMPACT!
DW- THEY’VE STRIPPED HIM DOWN TO HIS LITTLE HEART UNDERWEAR!
Priest - I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE!
Tenay - WHAT? I THINK THE MINISTER JUST GOT KNOCKED SILLY! HIS GLASSES ARE OFF!
DW - HE JUST MARRIED AJ STYLES AND KAREN ANGLE!