May 15, 2007
David Stern:
I write you today to inform you that Operation Save Spurs (OSS) is still hidden from the media's piercing cameras and stretching ears. Admittedly, Tony Parker's heatbutt to Steve Nash's nose could have been settled with less publicity, and I dare not shy away from the blame. However, I sincerely believe that Bruce Bowen's kick to Amare Stoudemire's Achilles tendon while he was airborne was properly handled; the cold shoulder, feign ignorance ruse works every time!
I had a hard time deciding how to deal with Bruce Bowen's knee to Steve Nash's groin. In fact, I was worried for a split second -- only a split second, mind you -- that OSS would be uncovered. I wanted to smack myself when I saw how obvious Bruce was being! Maybe we need to speak to his ninjitsu sensei and convince him to tell Bruce to be a bit more subtle when trying to inconspicuously land a few blows. I thought for sure the difficulty in covering for Bruce's flying kick to Wally Szczerbiak's face will surely match the difficulty that would ramify from Bruce's knee.
However, my subordinates who refereed Game 3, Eddie Rush, Greg Willard, and Tim Donaghy, did some fast, effectual thinking. How brilliant to only give Bruce a personal foul during the game! Of course, to appease the money orchard (I couldn't help it! I can't seriously call them "the fanbase," can I?), I had to upgrade the foul to Flagrant 1. I called him later to apologize, tell him it was to keep OSS covered. I was happy to hear that he understood!
Anyway, Eddie, Greg, and Tim's fast thinking should be rewarded. I say we take the $100,000 fine from Houston Rocket's ex-head coach Jeff Van Gundy and split it among them, maybe take them out for Indian food later. By the way, I still can't believe Van Gundy was on to us! He didn't look like a very astute man back then, and two years later, he doesn't look any better. How did he know that we don't officiate fairly? That $100,000 fine is still keeping him quiet, though! Ha!
Back to the subject of the matter. Game 4 was a disaster for OSS. Why did Tim Duncan step away from the bench during the second quarter? He knew that we'd end up nailing Stoudemire with a suspension before the game was over. He only ended up giving the media and money orchard another reason for suspicion. On the one hand, we were lucky to kill two birds with one stone and suspend Diaw in the process. On the other hand, we've got some peering eyes watching over us, noting that we did nothing about Duncan. Should we give Duncan $25,000 and subsequently "fine" him the same amount? That has worked for a while, now, and I suspect it will continue keeping the media off our backs.
But of course, nothing comes free, not even for the Spurs. Ideally, we would have suspended Beno Udrih for the rest of the series, but for some reason, Robert Horry was the one who checked Nash. Didn't Gregg Popovich know that Beno was vicious when it came to cheap shots? Beno would have drawn Nash's blood, there's no doubt in my mind!
Robert isn't nearly as much of an impact player as everyone thinks he is now, so I handed him a two game suspension (he didn't seem to mind during my phone call apology). Now, some of the money orchard is placated. They believe that without Robert, the Spurs lost they're ability to execute in the clutch. However, the wiser part of the orchard is far from placated.
Now, to the point of my overly verbose letter: What should I do about the wiser part? Ignore the suspicions? A national reprimand? A small fine?
Thanks for your time, David, and long live OSS!
Stu Jackson
NBA Senior Vice-President of Basketball Operations
P.S. I still break out into gleeful giggles when I see my subordinates corroborate with every single one of Manu Ginobili's flops. Manu's flops are so obvious, but they intrepidly give him the call! Take that, Spurs opposition!